Don’t talk to me. I’m not in the mood.

So I was watching the final episode of Weeds the other night and they were about to board a plane. Before boarding one of the characters, played by Richard Dryfuss, started discussing his plan on how to avoid someone sitting beside him on a plane. His technique was to write Jesus on his hat, that way a passenger would assume he’d talk religion the entire way.

I’m not a big plane converser. I don’t mind talking but I’d rather not. I don’t necessarily have a tactic. Most people tell me that until I smile I look mean. I think my tactic is too mean-mug. I don’t growl or anything but I appear unfriendly. There’s been a few times when some unassuming stranger breaks my mug and forces me to talk. I just think relaxing is the best thing to do while flying.

As much as I like to travel I still get anxious with each flight. To not be rude here are a few avoidance tips:

1.     Sleep – Strangers can’t talk to you if you’re sleeping. If the stranger talks to you as soon as they sit down make sure you yawn a lot.

2.     Eat Onions – Who wants to smell onion breath for hours. Grab yourself a bag of Funyuns before boarding. Also works with garlic.

3.     Read – It’s all about looking busy. You will have a few strangers that will use your book as a reason to strike up a conversation but 70% of the time reading will work.

4.     Listen – Keep your earphones on! It doesn’t matter how many times the stranger tries to talk to you do not remove your earplugs. Pretty soon the stranger will get tired of you saying “huh.”

5.     Talk – Talkers hate talkers because they like to dominate the conversation. Out talk the talker until the talker gives up!

Follow these tips and you’ll have a peaceful trip. Unless you’re the talker!

Nobody takes a bite outta France like New York!

Next to Korea, nobody can bite, copy, duplicate, etc. a handbag like New York. So if you want to skip the 20-hour flight and save money on a better “knock-off” go to New York. (Insert Legalese Here) Passport & Shoes does not support or encourage the purchasing of any materials posing as authentic.  Now back to our regularly scheduled program. Delancey St. in New York is known for its stretch of “shops.” The shops’ names are unimportant. Your directions to the perfect underground shop may go something like this, on the corner; next to the alley; beside the coffee shop with the yellow and green awning; and not the coffee shop with the blue and red awning.

Delancey Street is all about the negotiation. The shop owner may have a strong accent but believe you me they understand you perfectly. The front of the store will have obvious duplicates. Your Gucci bag may have lower case “g” or your Fendi bag may actually have “l” instead of “f.” Hold your ground. Try not to appear obvious or anxious. The shop owner will eventually invite you to their back room, the Knock-Off Mecca. Only the designer will know what’s real and what isn’t. This is where the negotiations really take place. Don’t let them see you sweat! Keep eye contact! Walk away when they don’t accept your final offer. Believe me the walk away always work. It may not work immediately but before you leave Delancey St. be sure to walk pass that shop and I guarantee someone will encourage you to come in for that final deal.

WTF…OMG…TSA It’s a hard job butt somebody has to do it!

Pat it down TSA…Pat It Down! What’s the less of two evils? The pat-down or the body scan. I guess it depends on who’s patting and who’s watching. I was listening to the morning show the other day and the comedian made a call to men. He said, “all men need to fly raw!” His description of flying raw was wearing sweat pants and taking at least half a Viagra pill. Wowsers!

Comfortable or not I do think that’s it’s necessary. Since the 9/11 attacks we’ve heard of individuals “testing” our security system, and in most cases our security system failed. According to the TSA blog site pat-downs are used to resolve alarms that occur at a walk-through metal detector. Weapons are advancing quicker than technology and my first priority is my safety.

As it stands only a small percentage of passengers will actually receive a pat-down. As long you continue to take off shoes, watch, underwire, earrings, laptop, pacemaker, loose change, metal plate, etc you’ll be pat-down free!